25 Rules for Enjoying Restaurants Like a Normal Person Again

Because sometimes you need to stop being a precious, terminally online restaurant snob in order to reconnect with the simple pleasures of dining out

To say we live in an uptight era just might be the understatement of the year. Drinking and socializing are out. Self-optimization is in (we see you, bro). You can blame all this on doomscrolling, dating apps, fear of AI, the paradox of choice — the list goes on and on.

Our collective uptightness applies to dining, too. The hot table, bucket list restaurants, the must-have (and document!) viral dish. This is nothing particularly new. Countless apps and content series have made us all culinary experts, trekking the world like roving gourmands with our smart phones firmly in hand. And most of the time, we condone this type of behavior! Being gastronomically adventurous is a good thing, for both guests and restaurants alike. However, the downside of this means we’ve all become—on some level—insufferable, hype-chasing snobs. There comes a time when we could all just…relax.

Well, that time is now. Below, our proposal for 25 simple restaurant pleasures to abide by this spring when you just want to get back to the basics and dine like no one’s watching.

25.) Put your phone away
We’ll dispense with the obvious first, aka a sin of which we’re all guilty. You’re there with people you actually want to be with, right? And if you’re alone, eat, imbibe, and people watch, just like olden times.

24.) No work talk
Even at a business dinner! Also: forget humble bragging about being busy, it’s tacky.

23.) Never modify your meal
You are not the chef, and in the chef you trust.

22.) Don’t nitpick reservation times
A hotspot can take you at 10:30 p.m. on Sunday? Great, accept the reservation. Go ingratiate yourself and maybe next time they’ll seat you at a more reasonable hour. Big things have small beginnings.

21.) Wait on a line
There’s a reason why Via Carota and other iconic/dependable spots of its ilk always have folks queued up. You are not smarter or savvier than them. Go join the fray. It’s worth it.

20.) Make friendly eye contact
This applies to everyone working at the restaurant you’re patronizing.

19.) Have a cocktail order
A go-to drink signals something about yourself to the rest of the world. You’re confident. Consistent. You live by a code. Don’t look at the menu. Don’t ask annoying questions. Order. Drink. Rinse and repeat.

18.) Don’t split the bill
Going Dutch and itemizing everything is for cheapskates. Once in a while, cover the whole shebang, even if you didn’t have an appetizer and only swilled one glass of wine. Live large. The good karma will return to you in spades.

17.) Or your entree
Order decisively and eat with no regrets.

16.) A salad cancels out the order of fries
Just ask RFK, Jr.

15.) Forget the valet
Get some steps in!

14.) Have a finely-tuned fried chicken radar
You should know the best fried chicken sandwich within a 10 mile radius of your home.

13.) Embrace mid pizza
No, not all the time. But have a mid pizza joint in your rotation that never has a line and always serves acceptable slices.

12.) Don’t read internet reviews
Or write your own. Not everyone needs to be a critic.

11.) Always do an amaro
Bonus points if you use it to wash down an affogato.

10.) Ask for more bread
“Don’t fill up,” they say. That will never happen…

9.) Fridays are for liquid lunch
Get your work done and get out of the office. Drink good wine while it’s still light out.

8.) And conduct an affair while you’re there
If you must, of course. Just ask the French. Look for a sleepy little joint where you won’t be spotted making eyes at each other.

7.) Tap water is fine
So is the house red.

6.) Ask for a bottle of A-1
Go ahead. It’s your steak.

5.) Be a regular at a local spot
Just don’t bring your first dates there.

4.) Have an order
What applies to drinks applies to meals, too. Are you club sandwich coded? A shrimp cocktail fiend? Steak frites toujours? Pick a lane.

3.) Say ‘yes’ to meatballs
Bolognese, too. These are the meals sure to coax out that inner child your therapist says you’ve long been neglecting.

2.) Good meals are like good sex…
They should always conclude with a cigarette.

1.) Linger over lunch
In a world rife with self-optimization mania, a leisurely meal and nowhere else to be signals the ultimate in luxury. Plus if it’s lunch, the restaurant staff isn’t trying to turn tables. Stay until the sun sets. Just make sure to keep ordering, and do tip well.