Ranked: The 10 Horniest Foods 🤤
Perv out with your partner this Valentine's Day by ordering a few of these salacious dishes, each ranked according to our scientific scale of 1-6 kisses 💋
Welcome to February and our month-long theme: Romance in Restaurants. Today, two-time (soon to be three if they read the piece below) James Beard Award-winning essayist John DeVore kicks us off with a deep dive on aphrodisiacs and where to find them.
The scientific research supporting the purported sexual benefits of aphrodisiacs is reputable for the most part. No one has ever overdosed on pomegranates or chocolate. But aphrodisiacs are also folk medicine and stories. Did famous libertine Casanova slurp oysters before doing the deed? Sure! Are there certain foods stacked with heart-pumping, libido-boosting hormones and antioxidants, and other compounds that can allegedly turbo-charge your flagging sex life? Sure!
This is a win/win situation, folks.
Look, any food is an 'aphrodisiac' if you believe in it enough. But there are sexy snacks humans have sworn by for centuries, and each is Valentine's Day-friendly. Here's a ranking of the sexiest aphrodisiacs and where you can eat them in New York. The sexiness is rated on a highly scientific scale of one to six sloppy kisses 💋, with one chapped and six messy af, but not unpleasantly.
Ginger
What Is It: Ginger is a plant with a famous pungent, tangy taste that contains gingerol, a substance that can increase and relax blood flow.
Aphrodisiac Fact: Even though ginger is often referred to as a root, it is a rhizome, a plant stem that grows horizontally underneath soil.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋 Nothing kills a mood faster than GI problems. Luckily, ginger is an effective digestion aide.
Where To Find It: Blue Fin Tuna w/ shish, sesame, ginger, Justine's on Hudson.
Honey
What Is It: Honey contains two elements that aid in arousal: boron, which influences hormones, and nitric oxide, which floods the bloodstream during arousal.
Aphrodisiac Fact: Honey was a sacred ingredient used by the Ancient Egyptians for all sorts of reasons, from baking to healing to embalming. Yeah. That's right.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋 ½ Yes, but it’s also sticky. The ratio of sexy to sticky certainly leans towards sticky.
Where To Find It: Hot Honey ButterMilk and Basil sandwich at Double Chicken Please.
Artichoke
What Is It: The artichoke is an aphrodisiac, thanks to Zeus. According to Greek mythology, the father of the gods was so angry after being rejected by a mortal woman he turned her into a thorny artichoke.
Aphrodisiac Fact: One medium artichoke has more fiber than a cup of prunes. A whole cup!
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋 Artichokes are hard to eat, unless you’re spooning them out of a can.
Where To Find It: Chilled Artichoke Romana, Bad Roman.
Figs
What Is It: Figs are what you get when you mix a strawberry and a date, and they are rich in beta-carotene, which stimulates sexual hormones.
Aphrodisiac Fact: Figs are the most mentioned fruit in the Bible, and the Bible is sexy. Okay, that’s not true but humans have been eating them for centuries and making babies, so you do the math.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋 ½ Have you ever tried feeding your luv-ah a fig? No? Let us know how that goes.
Where To Find It: Fig Jam and Bacon Pie, L'industrie Pizzeria.
Beets
What Is It: Beets are hardy root vegetables famously blood-red inside. They contain boron, an element that studies have shown positively affects human sex hormones.
Aphrodisiac Fact: Russia is the largest producer of beets in the world.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋💋 On one hand, beets are the color of tumescent flesh, if you know what we mean but on the other hand, beets look like open wounds.
Where To Find It: Borscht, Russ & Daughters.
Photo for Blackbird by Matthew Weinberger
Caviar
What Is It: Caviar is known for being an aphrodisiac mostly because they're fish eggs, and eggs are symbols of fertility.
Aphrodisiac Fact: The ancient Greeks and Romans treated depression with caviar, which are also packed with omega-3 fatty acids, which some research suggests can help treat mood disorders.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋💋 ½ Mmm, wet bubbles of pure salt. Tastes vary, though, and caviar does have a solid track record as an aphrodisiac.
Where To Find It: Caviar & potato chips, Café Chelsea.
Avocados
What Is It: Avocados are full of vitamins that increase blood flow, which, as you know by now, helps aid in the alluring engorgement of human genital organs.
Aphrodisiac Fact: The Aztec word for 'avocado' was 'ahuacatl,' which means 'testicles.' They were not totally wrong.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋💋💋 Guacamole is delicious. Also, things that are smearable are inherently sexy. Hello, cream cheese?
Where To Find It: Guacamole, Los Tacos No. 1.
Cardamom
What Is It: India's sweet and peppery spice was known to the ancient world as a natural cure for erectile dysfunction. Cardamom is packed with vitamin C, niacin, magnesium, and potassium but is especially high in cineole, a substance from the eucalyptus plant that can stimulate blood flow.
Aphrodisiac Fact: Cardamom is known as the “Queen of Spices” because of its valuable part of the early spice trade.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋💋💋 ½ Hell yeah. You can really feel this spice when you eat it in a rich, saucy kosha mangsho, which is mutton curry.
Where To Find It: Kosha mangsho, Masalawala & Sons.
Truffles
What Is It: The scent of the prized, subterranean fungi truffle has been described as musky and, um, post-coital thanks to the pheromone androstenol, which can increase sexual arousal in humans and pigs.
Aphrodisiac Fact: In 2009 a 2.86-pound white truffle was sold for $330,000.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋💋💋 ⅔ Anything this pricey has to be a turn-on.
Where To Find It: Tagliatella Tartufo, Fiaschetteria Pistoia.
Oysters
What Is It: Did you know zinc positively affects dopamine levels and libido? Did you know oysters are chock full of zinc? These slimy bivalves are the alpha aphrodisiac, a briny no-brainer for Lotharios and lovers alike.
Aphrodisiac Fact: The word 'aphrodisiac' is derived from Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of Love, who was said to have emerged from the sea in an oyster shell.
Is It Sexy? 💋💋💋💋💋💋 Is mermaid snot sexy? Apparently, yes.
Where To Find It: Grand Oyster Bar Grand Central.