What Does Your Breakfast Order Say About You?

Yes, it's the meal by which your character shall be judged, and we did the research to prove it

“If you’re ordering pancakes for breakfast as an adult, you’ve given up.” 

Ben Leventhal said this to me a few weeks ago, and being a pancake man myself, I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Soul-searching aside, perhaps he has a point: is there any meal more telling than one’s breakfast order? Lunch and dinner are dictated by some standards, but breakfast? All bets are off. Bacon, burritos, bottomless cocktails, all manners of maple syrup-drenched confections — order whatever the hell you’d like. This anarchy makes breakfast the perfect test of one’s character. Without rules, who do you become?

So what are the most popular breakfast dishes by which one should be judged? For that intel, I consulted New York City experts on a recent Wednesday morning. 

1. Eggs, Bacon, Toast, aka “The Holy Trinity”
   As a member of New York’s Finest told me while hunched over a skillet of eggs at the counter of Waverly Diner, there is only one self-respecting option: “Six over medium eggs, hash browns, multigrain toast, turkey bacon, and a coffee, always black, that’s the only way to go.” His take was corroborated uptown at Silver Star diner, where my server estimated that of the 250 covers on a Saturday, eggs constitute the vast majority of orders, although the more indulgent of guests prefer them in benedictine form. Eggs dominate downtown at Cozy Soup ’n’ Burger, too. “Here we mostly serve eggs; we do the classic American breakfast,” said manager John Stratidis.

   
   The verdict: We get it, tough guy, you’re as classic and stoic as they come. Enjoy your eggs and the bitter coffee with which you wash it down. 
   
   

2. Pancakes, Waffles, French Toast, aka “Breakfast but make it dessert”
   On any given Saturday, 40 percent of the 500 covers at EJ’s Luncheonette are French toast, manager Mahmoud told me. “Everyone gets it, kids, adults.” On this Wednesday morning, however, the only sweet in sight—a stack of silver dollar pancakes—was being eaten by a kid with a bow in her hair.  Pancakes are popular at Fairfax, Gabe Stulman’s spot on West 10th, and also, somewhat unexpectedly, among the yoga-spin-pilates crowd at Spring Cafe Aspen. “Cheat day,” Chief Operating Officer David Dougherty conceded.

   
   The verdict: Perhaps it’s not that you’ve given up on life so much as you’re reluctant to embark on one. Unless this sweet treat is confined to one weekend day only, prepare to start consuming your breakfast with a side of Crayola Crayons. 
   
   

3. The Breakfast Burrito vs. The Breakfast Sandwich
   Yes, you can lump them together. For further evidence watch this Beli reel. At Spring Cafe Aspen, the Superhero Burrito (in which you can substitute tofu for eggs) accounts for 50 percent of breakfast orders Monday-Sunday. Their guests, Dougherty said, “like routine.”

   
   But this is New York, and bacon, egg, and cheese is in our blood, is it not? “The breakfast sandwich is the perfect vehicle because you can get all the things that you need out of it,” said Fairfax manager Vish Wesley about their most popular item. “A little bit of saltiness from ham or bacon, or a little bit of that creaminess if you go the avocado route. Then you get your eggs. There's a reason the French train you specifically on how to make that omelet.” 

   
   The verdict: The breakfast sandwich wins, especially on the self-respect scale, where it passes the Goldilocks test. As an adult, this is as indulgent as breakfast should get without earning the judgement of your peers. 

4. A Burger
   Yes, a hamburger for breakfast — it happens. “Eighty percent of our breakfast orders are combination omelettes or cheeseburger deluxes,” my waiter told me from across the counter at Waverly Diner, whispering as if he were pedaling contraband. “They come in from the bars and the clubs. They want heavy food.”

   
   But even those not coming straight from the club order burgers. Though not on the menu, certain customers ask for them at Fairax, even on weekdays. "To me, that's an aggressive start to your day," Wesley said.

   
   The breakfast burger takes a different form at Cozy Soup ’n’ Burger. Stratidis told me about the pancake burger—a patty between two pancakes—that he’s concocted and posted on TikTok. He claimed it’s currently going gangbusters.

   
   The verdict: Shame on you, you dirty degenerate. If you’re not coming straight from the club, a burger for breakfast—even one wedged between pancakes— should be strictly off limits. 
   
   

5. Oatmeal, Cottage Cheese, and other slop 
   Literally nowhere. Even when pressed, no one could recall any of these dishes being popular orders. “Cottage cheese?” my server Severino at Silver Star laughed. “Not too much.” 

   
   The verdict: There’s a reason no one I spoke with mentioned any of this slurpable fare. Consume these in the privacy of your own home, please. 

   
   

6. Salad, of any kind
   The only thing more shocking than burgers for breakfast? Salad, that joyless thing you sometimes force yourself to get for lunch in atonement for all the gluttony. “Both the Greek and Vegan Caesar have been requested enough times for breakfast that we’re considering adding them to the menu," Dougherty told me at our table outside Spring Cafe Aspen.

   
   The verdict: You calorie counting maniac. Consider living a little, or if you must get those early morning greens in, please request that they be folded into an omelette or blended into a juice, like a normal person.

There you have it, readers. Go forth and breakfast this weekend, ordering anything to your heart’s delight. But remember: come Monday morning, it's eggs or nothing — that's the law.